An Introduction

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with a negative and distorted body image. For most of those years, I accounted for my body by saying that I ate too much and didn't exercise enough. I spent time in front of the mirror imagining what I would look like when I grew breasts, when my hips filled out, how much prettier my body would be then. During and after puberty, my mirror time turned into imaginings of what I would look like if I lost 5 pounds, 10 pounds, 20 pounds. If I was in good shape . . . my belly would be flat, my hips would be toned, my booty would be firm and round, my arms would look strong instead of soft. Always, always believing that if I wasn't so lazy, or undisciplined, I would eat smaller portions of more healthy food and I would get enough exercise to have the body I always wanted.

For as long as I can remember, my relationship with food and my relationship with my body have been cyclical - Based in the belief that I wasn't good enough. My guilt about what I ate lead to more self-hatred. The loathing I had for my body lead to more eating . . . I was thinking things like "it's already bad, one more pint of ice-cream, one more burrito with half a pound of cheese, one more bag of potato chips, one more, one more, one more wasn't going to make a big enough difference, why not eat whatever I wanted."

I want to explore the origins of this thinking. I believe that my eating is disordered. I know that what I see in the mirror is not what other people see in me.

My intentions are:

~To create a better relationship with food.

~To create a better relationship with my body image.

~To share my experience so that other women (and men) who feel similarly will know they aren't alone.

~To come to terms with the things that contributed, and to let go of the blame I feel for some of them.