Unbearable Beginnings

A little over a week ago, I discovered that I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). With PCOS comes insulin resistance which could lead to pre-diabetes, and eventually diabetes. There are increased risks of various cardiovascular issues, and hormonal imbalance issues such as - acne (untreatable - got it), weight gain (uh-huh), abnormal hair growth (rogue hairs in various places), skin discoloration (that looks like the skin has little dirty patches - I always thought those were birth marks). Women with PCOS may struggle to get pregnant when the time comes - or experience repeat miscarriage (although most pregnancies are normal in PCOS women once they do conceive). I've got the irregular menstrual cycle down pat. PCOS also increases my risk of a few types of cancers like breast cancer, uterine and ovarian cancer, and increases my risk of complications with the endometrium.

It isn't an incredibly frightening diagnosis for me because as it turns out the syndrome is pretty common. The treatment includes birth control and a healthy diet of veggies, proteins, fruits, and good carbs - eliminating simple carbs like white bread, white pasta, white rice, etc. and instead eating - in moderation - their less processed and higher fiber content wielding cousins like sweet potatoes, brown or wild rice, and whole grain breads. I am grateful to finally have found a reason for the acne that will not go away!!!

On Monday, November 16, 2009 - I started The South Beach Diet at the advice of my physician. I am 5'4 inches tall and weigh 160 pounds - I'm between 20 and 40 pounds overweight for my height, though nothing but my height has been taken into consideration with that number. My goal weight is 135 - ten pounds less than I weighed throughout high school. I want to be clear with myself, with my peers, my friends and cohorts, and my family - this is NOT about weight loss (the added benefit); this is about avoiding diabetes which I have a family history of, and managing my hormonal imbalance. At least that's now I felt when I chose to start this diet.

South Beach is split up into three phases - the first is meant to reset blood chemistry and end cravings for foods that cause my blood sugar to rise rapidly and then plummet - causing desire for more of the same. I've learned a great deal about things I've always wanted to know like: What happens inside my body when I eat certain things. and What that means in the big picture. What I should eat and what I shouldn't . . . I've always suspected that I eat too many refined sugars and starches - here were the reasons why. When first prescribed, this diet excited me because it felt like I finally had guidance in a positive direction regarding my food choices - like a $15 nutritionist.

In phase 1 you aren't to have any sugar or anything that metabolizes quickly to sugar - essentially, no grains, no potatoes of any kind, no fruit, and certainly no candy, fruit juice, soda, ice cream, baked goods, etc. remember, remember - it's about blood sugar and insulin. This phase lasts for two weeks, for me that means 11/09 - 11/23.

The first day went great until I did my grocery shopping after work. By the time Doug and I were checking out of our second grocery store I had looked at all the foods I love to eat - instant oatmeal, Backyard BBQ Kettle Chips, corn, rice, pasta, Annie's cheddar bunnies, breakfast cereals and granola bars - even the things that have a little bit of glucose holding the most wholesome of nuts, dried apricot, and coconut flakes together in little bars of heaven - and feeling like I had been wrong all my life. Food as a moral dilemma of right and wrong is not a new concept to me, but I had never felt it like this before. On day two the melancholy started to sink into my deep places.

Day three came to a head when I walked into my therapist, Margo's office. I sat down feeling sad and angry and I started to cry more hysterically than I ever have before - I had been hungry all day - something South Beach promised I would not feel, also deprivation was not supposed to be part of this life change. I felt punished - like potatoes were going to send me directly to hell and if I wanted to be a good girl, I had better not eat them.

All I wanted was two slices of buttered toast, a baked potato with butter, sour cream, salt, and pepper, with a piece of sirloin steak, and grilled asparagus. I wanted it with all my existence, but I also did not want to fail.

When I got into the car with Doug to go home, I said I needed to think about my session and aside from bitching about the halogen bulbs in the headlights of the truck that followed close behind me most of the way home - I said nothing, He said nothing.

I put on my pajamas and sat down looking at him across the room. I was ready to just go to bed, hungry, sad, and discouraged when I said to him that I felt like I was being punished. Tears began again. I felt ashamed of myself - this felt harder than quitting smoking. He came over and he held me until I was finished - wiping tears from my face, kissing my cheeks - he looked me in the eye with an expression that said "it's ok, you're ok", and offered to fix me something to eat.

I made hummus, he heated some soup for me and made himself some dinner. We ate, got into bed, read our books, and went to sleep.

I didn't go to work today.

This doesn't feel good - Amie said to me this morning that if it doesn't feel good, maybe it's wrong. I have the choice - I don't have diabetes, so this isn't absolutely necessary, it's a choice. She also said that sometimes cold turkey is a good idea, but maybe this doesn't have to be cold turkey.

I feel like I have a good understanding of what the foods I've been eating were doing to me and I can make choices knowing what the consequences will be. I feel like I can still make progress even if I don't go cold turkey; maybe not 8 - 13 pounds of weight loss in the first two weeks/Phase 1 progress, but progress.

For breakfast today I made mock-hollandaise sauce from the South Beach recipes (which was really good and I think should be called 'quick and easy' instead of 'mock'), turkey bacon, two eggs over-medium in coconut oil - and I ate this all with two slices of buttered toast.

I feel good about it. It doesn't feel like cheating or giving in or giving up, but like rewarding myself for not giving in yesterday - especially when I was hysterical and angry and devastated.

I'll go back to the guidelines of Phase 2 in time for lunch. I'm ok - I will be ok, and I can't wait to see Doug tonight.